This Is America

I remember your laugh
And your super cute smile
How you’d always cheer me on
And stay at my games for a while

The way we’d order takeout
And watch tv in your bed
And how you’d cuddle up next to me
And I’d kiss your head 

The way we’d dance in your room
And then play games online
How you rocked at DDR 
and beat me every time

The way we played volleyball 
And you hugged me after the game
The way you always called me baby
Some people never knew my real name

The way we held hands 
And kissed in the rain
How I could look into your eyes
And forget I ever knew pain

The way I’d wait after band
And we’d sit together in history
And whether our teacher liked you
Is still a mystery 

The way you got my dumb jokes
And we’d exchange knowing looks
How we read poetry in the library
And had the same favorite books

The way we’d share music
And sit in the park
Or hug on your terrace
After it got dark

The way you gave me that valentine
And said I was your star
And when I sing the song from memory
It feels like you’re not that far

No matter how late
You’d always take my call
And loved to wear my sweaters
At the beginning of fall

How we’d talk for hours
And share our dream
While we sat on your floor
And ate ice cream

How we’d have house parties
For no special reason
And make delicious brownies
No matter the season

When we got sick
We took care of each other
stayed at your house more than mine
And always worried my mother

I remember a lot 
Of the things we used to do
But what I know still today is
I’ve never stopped loving you

Seems like the closer I get
The more you pull away
And I can’t make it right
No matter what I say
I ask myself 
Could I’ve done more
Did I treat u like a lady
Or just like a whore?
When u trusted me most
Did I fail u somehow
Should I stop the race for your love
And politely take a bow
Do u know that I cared?
Even wanted to be more
I’ve realized so much now
That I couldn’t see before

She sparks my creative genius, 
Beautiful in every which way
She makes me believe In Today 
That through her beautiful brown eyes our world can be rebuilt 
One step at a time, hand and hand she makes true joy a reality and not just a figment of my imagination.
I could sit here and tell u how beautiful she is from the point of view of society because she is in fact gorgeous but her true beauty? That lies in her heart. The way she speaks to your soul with a genuine interest of knowing the REAL you. Her words evoking strength, hope and love. The way she smiles and makes you feel like everything you say is meaningful. The way her laugh travels through your ears and into your core and moves your very being. The way she listens and makes you feel like you’re not alone. And at the moment that you least expect it, she let’s you know she gets it. That she’s been paying attention the whole time and that everything you did had a purpose. The way she looks at you and makes you feel like you’re the greatest person in the world. It’s amazing how one person can change your life and make you Into a better version of yourself you never even knew existed. How at one point you didn’t even know them and now you can’t imagine life without them in it. Thank you, not only for being the spark but for being the Fireworks in my life…

Dear Susy, 

I sit back and I write in my book
And I think about all of the trips that we took 
to the corner store
How we bought ice cream and some
Gum how we laughed and how it was so much fun 
what I’d do to go back to those fun filled  days
When I was thankful 
for all your -crazy ways 
Now the time has just gone 
And I can’t seem to find
Gotta pray everyday 
For a small piece of mind
And I’m asking myself 
What more can I do 
If only I could 
somehow save you from you
Put you in a padded room
Leave you alone
Til you stop with the bullshit 
And find your way home
It’s crazy to think about
How far we’ve come
But now it just scares me 
To see you’ve become
A monster, a coward, a stranger
At dark
And rather then get some help
You ask who’s the narc
When will you realize 
That you’ve got it all
If ever you need something 
It’s us you can call
To lead you to sanity
When you’ve gone astray
But this is just fucked up 
It can’t be this way
So tell me what is it
That you need to prove
Though your family 
Even- your life you will lose
How can u live with
Knowing your mother cries?
Every pill that you take
Another part of me dies
Don’t know what else to do
But to write it all down 
I’m starting to snap 
Gotta scream it out loud
How could you sit there 
And tell all of your lies
And you can’t understand 
Just how much I despise 
What you’ve done to our family
While you’re falling apart
Just look at my mom
And how you’re breaking her heart
Waiting by myself
In a hospital room
Calling family to say
That you’d be out soon
When my mom broke down
I had to be strong 
Cause somehow we pay most
For the shit you do wrong
Remember when I was 12
And I slept in your bed
And we’d stay up just laughing
While grams shook her head
All the letters you wrote me 
While you were away
I was too young to read them
Mom would explain what they’d say
And I just don’t get
Why  would you do this?
I can’t understand
How you’d be so selfish
Want answers for why you do this shit to me
But all I got so far is 
Dear Susy,

Shout out to the real women 
out here trying to make it
Met too many shady ones
That only want to fake it

This is for those people
Who’s minds aren’t trapped in cells
The ones that don’t blame you 
For their own personal hells

Cheers to all you strong women
With your hearts of gold
doing what you want to do
Rather than what your told

Too many crazy mindsets
Brains stuck inside a cage
Asking me to relive my past
To satisfy your twisted rage

But the brave won’t allow it
They’ll fight you the whole way
And I’m proud to be the one of them
At the ending of the day

I’m happy with who I am
I’m way more than what you see
So here’s an invite to those people
Who speak their mind just like me

It’s time to take a stand 
And say exactly how you feel
We’re not living in the shadows
Cause equality is real

If I ran away today
I’d wear my favorite jeans
I’d pack my Nike suitcase
And take only what meets my means

If I ran away today
I would never look back
Take a picture for the memories
And try not to focus on what they lack

If I ran away today
I’d wear my favorite tee 
The one with superman on it
Cause you believe that’s what I can be

If I ran away today
I’d run really fast
Not stopping to catch my breath
So I don’t catch up with my past 

If I ran away today
There’d only be one more thing to do
Grab your hand and kiss your lips
And run away with you.

So much time wasted
Generations lost & laced with
Petty dreams of fast money
Only buy designer clothes
But their minds are closed 
Shut off to reality 
Ending up in depravity 
Causing too much fatality
People lacking morality
Something wrong with our mentality
When were ok with brutality 
Yet we yearn for immortality 
And that’s a normality?
Too much blood shed
Too many kids dead 
How were we lead?
To a place we can’t call home
Only safe place inside the dome
Yet they confused when the kids roam
And instead of gold the shit Is chrome
Addicted to cellular devices
I’m realizing my only vice is 
Trying to stop the crisis 
Cause for freedom your soul is what the price is
And I’m not saying I’m the nicest
But I keep trying that’s what life is
Got babies having babies
Daddy’s only concerned with Mercedes
Got more hatred than hades
No consideration for they ladies
For a woman they say queen is the highest thing
But I don’t.care I wanna be the king 
Flo kitchen they cook up the vlizzle
My man orph got enough to make you sizzle 
Get you addicted like you on crack 
We telling the non revolutionaries
To fall back
Wanna save the world. That hatred shit we off that
We’ll have you mouth open saying damn 
Yeah cause we going HAM
So to stop the moms from crying
Cause so many kids are dying
To stop all the denying 
Ima put a end to all the lying 
Won’t stop til our kids are flying
And I do not mind if I die trying

So it seems as though lately a lot of my friends are sharing their lesbionic encounters with me and…smiling about them? I have been especially confused by this  because I feel people only share things with you that they want you to know and it makes me wonder why they want me ( a lesbian) to know. In speaking to my BFF she said ” maybe they’re trying to relate and make you feel comfortable” which is great & definitely appreciated but not really… necessary. As long as I know you support me and don’t discriminate I’m cool. I mean I don’t tell all my straight friends all my “guy experiences” does that make me a douche for not “relating to them”? I mean of course I still support them 100%… I don’t know I just feel like there is some point to it all somewhere right? It’s like going on a date with a guy & saying “you know I really like guys” the guy would think “hey I’m a guy you can like me”. And I get that we’re friends so you’re more comfortable telling me than someone who would judge you. But why is EVERYONE coming out the woodwork? How did I  become a lesbian hub for stories of drunken nights and complicated relationships. Why is it that people suddenly change around me? I wish I knew what vibe I send out but truth is I think I’m scared to know what they’d be telling me if they weren’t telling me this. Does this happen to anyone else? Do I randomly make people feel safe enough to spill their lives to me? I guess the main reason why I dislike it though is cause I never thought about you that way but now it’s all I can do =\